A sudden turn in my life (letting go of a childhood dream

Nothing special in here, just a random though of mine…

Im an incoming BSIT freshman and tbh wala akong kagana-gana or excitement to start my college journey. Alam ko na hindi maganda pakinggan pero believe me, sinusubukan kong tumingin sa good side and start positive, pero deep inside…there is always that small feeling na parang may mali sakin, or parang may mali sa choice ko, idk parang gut feeling sya na im missing something sa buhay ko na parang di ko maexplain.

Wala talaga sa listahan ko to take up BSIT, I always wanted to pursue Mech Eng. Bata palang talaga ako ugali ko na mag butingting ng mga kagamitan sa bahay, mapa electricfan man yan na di umiikot o kung ano anong sirang gamit na kailangan kong ayusin. I know its kinda dangerous rin pero i guess malakas guardian angel ko and di naman ako nakuryente or naaksidente habang kumahawak ng tools hehe.

Dahil doon normaI na sakin to get sexist remarks/comments coming from my relatives tuwing bumibisita sila sa bahay namin. Things like "talo mo pa ang lalaki dyan ah!" or having my male relatives mansplaining things sakin are things that I consider normal at that time (which is WRONG) kasi sanay na sanay na ako makarinig ng mga ganyang bagay, pero I never let them get into my head and I just do things what is needed to be done. Kasi sa totoo, masaya ako na nakakatulong ako sa magulang ko, kahit sa mga bagay na ganito, kahit sa paningin ng ibang tao is not very feminine.

Dahil doon, I really become fascinated sa machineries and robots. Galing sa simpleng pagbubutingting, nangarap ako na pagdating ng araw, magiging isang Mech eng rin ako paglaki. Itong pangarap ko na ito ang pinanghahawakan ko to do better in my studies. Naging consistent high honor ako from jhs to shs dahil gusto ko talaga to take up mech eng sa college. Kahit rin sa work immersion ko, I chose to work in the mechanical engineering laboratory and magmaintain and magoperate ng mga makinarya doon, kasi nakakatuwa and napaka intriguing to work with machines, and how a simple button can basically move a gears and motors that are bigger and heavier than us humans. Althroughout my deployment. I am always in awe. It taught me to NEVER take technologies/inventions for granted. I also got nominated to get the award of best work immersion in my batch cuz i got a perfect 100 from my supervisor who is an mech eng. Kaya bawat introduce-yourself sa opening of class. Lagi kong sinasabi na gusto kong mag mech eng. Dahil ang totoo yun talaga ang laman ng puso ko.

Despite all of that, pinili ko nalang sundin nanay ko na mag-IT, dahil malaki chance ko makakita ng job and higher pay. Mas malaki rin daw kasi ang career opportunity ng IT and it is more flexible compared to other engineering courses. Nasa digital age rin kasi tayo, with AI being integrated in everything, kung titimbangin natin ang dalawa, the field of IT is rapidly growing compared to engineering.

Coming from my mother and her coworkers, sinabi nila na ang data sci, com sci, IT, or any program related to programming daw ang mga magagandang i-take up sa panahon ngayon, kasi every industry needed an IT personnel or someone who understand tech.

Saka I research a lot rin and gathered thoughts from my professors, family, friends, and even people in the internet. I get a lot of them saying na ang mga engineers sa pilipinas ay taken-for-granted, kasi they spend 4-6 grueling years to study just to be overworked and underpaid in the end. The thing that was shocking to me is merong mga licensed engineers na tumatanggap ng as low as 13k starting salary. Its disheartening to see comments like that kasi alam ko na hindi biro mag-aral. People like them deserved better. As a scholar, hindi madali mag aral and to balance everything, nakaka burnout ng sobra, onti onti na nawawala sanity ko, kapalit ng mga matataas na grado.

Pero kahit na alam ko na ganon ang truth about the engineering industry sa pinas..di parin talaga mawala yung pakiramdam na naghihinayang ako na nalulungkot…Kasi ang tagal kong pinangarap at pinagplanuhan eto eh. Ang hirap mag let go, ang hirap mag move on sa childhood dream ko…pakiramdam ko in an instant, nagbago na yung mundo ko and alam ko that Ill never be the person that the younger me has always wanted…If I could turn back time and be able to meet the younger me na nagaaral ng mabuti to make her dreams come true. I will look her at her eye-to-eye and say sorry. Kasi alam ko sa mga panahon na iyon, little me was so passionate with machines and she constantly battling sexism in the family by being good in math/science and able to do the things what men do.

Tapos at the of the day, things didnt turn out the way I wanted. Nakakawala ng motivation. Para akong itinatakwil ng langit at lupa…habang patagal nang patagal I feel like I slowly become a different person. Yung dati na sobrang minamahal ko yung ginagawa ko at todo effort ako sa mga bagay bagay…ngayon is parang tamad na tamad na ako, parang ang hirap makita yung importance or purpose ng ginagawa ko. Sinusubukan ko maging positive everyday by telling myself na maybe di ko pa nakikita yung bigger picture and stuff like that. Pero ang hirap eh…i guess wala pa ako acceptance stage…

Pakiramdam ko na in this life. I will never end up in the place where I wanted to go…but…in a place where I needed to be. Di ko man naintindihan ngayon since bata pa ako, pero sana pagdating ng tamang panahon, everything will be clear as day…and everything will be alright in time.